On Elwood.

Today I was at a used CD store, searching the $1 CD rack for remotely recognizable artists, when I saw a CD by Brooke Allison. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Not helping was the fact that the disc cover depicted a prepubescent Britney Spears lookalike. Turning to the track listings, I suddenly realized that this was the girl who had managed to squeeze out a one-hit wonder during the brief window of time when both Britney Spears lookalikes and AOL were hot. About five years ago, she recorded a song likening a breakup with a boyfriend to signing off AOL. Yes, I remember it, and yes, that does make me pathetic. Although in my defense, I heard it only once, and the reason it was so memorable was because it sampled that AOL guy saying "Goodbye!" smack dab in the middle of the chorus.
Which brings me to my point. Hidden in the fine print at the bottom of the track listing was the name Elwood Edwards, the man credited for the AOL sample used in the song. It took a while for the significance of that to sink in. Hey, this is that AOL guy! This is THE AOL guy! Never mind that AOL is currently at the same place cuturally as the girl who sang that crappy song. The man who gave the American lexicon such catchphrases as "Welcome!" "You've got mail!" and the aforementioned "Goodbye!" has a name, and that name is Elwood. I never really thought he existed, but now I've been forced to face reality. I mean, such a mellifluous voice doesn't just come out of nowhere.
I wonder where Elwood is now. I wonder if he gets royalties every time someone signs on and hears his greeting, and if so, whether he, rather than Li'l Jon, is the first person to parlay three phrases into millions upon millions of dollars. And I wonder if right now, somewhere out there, he is talking to his wife via cellphone on a crowded bus, extending the conversation to inhumane lengths, afraid to hang up lest he inadvertently say "Goodbye!" and be recognized for the celebrity he truly is.