Ever get the feeling...

...that you exist only to serve as a negative example to others? Like life is one big Highlights magazine, and you're Goofus. Or you're that guy in drivers' ed videos who tries to hold a cup of hot coffee in his lap while driving, then spills it all over himself and wraps his car around a tree, dying only after suffering painful genital scalding.
Ok, so my life's not that bad, but here's one of my cases in point: In an attempt to procrastinate while writing a paper this past week, I created a profile on an online personals site, figuring it wouldn't hurt and might even help. Within the next 12 hours, I got an e-mail from a 45-year-old Rancho Cucamonga resident who was, and I quote:

"...looking to be your sort of, SugarDaddy (although you may not need one). Since I am not having any luck with my age group I thought I would try a younger Lady. I am looking for a Lady to be my Girlfriend and a Lover...I have my act together...a good Job, own a nice home (with a Fireplace), and money in the bank."
(capitalization all his)

I was almost tempted to take him up on it. I mean, who can resist a Fireplace? Especially in the middle of summer in Southern California.
Also, this is kind of random, but Nick Hornby is a genius. He had this whole rant in Songbook about how you should never, ever give your book, song or movie a title starting with a preposition, because it would lead to such awkward sentences as "I've heard a lot about About a Boy" or "What did you think of Of Mice and Men?" But those titles are nothing, I realized, compared to Reading Lolita in Tehran (yeah, yeah, it's a gerund, but same principle.) "Are you reading Lolita?" "No, I'm reading Reading Lolita in Tehran." "Oh, that's nice, I've been thinking about reading Reading Lolita in Tehran." "It's too bad they don't allow American books in Iran; they could be reading Reading Lolita in Tehran in Tehran." It's like some highbrow, liberal-artsy Abbott and Costello routine.